10 Rules of Trash Talking

Every year I join at least one fantasy hockey team. Partly because I'm a dork and partly.. well.. I guess that's the only reason. And every year, within the first week of the season, someone spews some trash talk and someone else gets all huffy about it and someone (usually me) needs to chime in to tell them to calm down. Trash talking is all part of the game. To put some of the issues to bed hopefully once and for all, here are my 10 rules.

1. Trashtalker can (and should) directly insult the mother of the trashtalkee. Penis size, Girlfriends, pets and unborn children are also fair game.

2. This seems silly, but the worse your record, the more trash you can talk. You have nothing to lose. If you have an impeccable record, trash talking becomes gloating and that's just rude.

3. Profanity is an artform. A well placed swear gives an insult zest. A poorly placed swear is like putting lipstick on a pig. Bad trashtalk is bad trashtalk -- without or without an F-bomb

4. Sexuality, Religion, Ethnicity, Gender... these are the things that you must not take into consideration when hiring and firing people. When trash talking though, game on -- with a caveat. Make sure everyone involved can handle this type of nonsense. It helps to over-indulge so the utter ridiculousness of the comment is easily inferred. The more stereotypical the comment, the better.

5. Extra points should be awarded for insulting someones real-sports allegiance in addition to their fantasy-sports allegiance. And yes, there is a difference. Hell, I'm a born-and-bred new englander, but don't think I'd hesitate to have Peyton Manning or A-Rod on a fantasy team. Calling me out on my man-crush on Peyton Manning is a good way to insult me and my inner patriots fan.

6. Watch your cop dramas. Everything you say while trash talking can and WILL be used against you. Insult someone's latest pick-up cautiously, as they will turn into a fantastic second half player.

7. Be creative. A simple, uninteresting comment like "Your Team Sucks!" really only embarrasses yourself.

8. In a trash-talking battle, admit when you've been beat and gloat when you have won. And believe me, you know when you've been beat b/c you put your fingers on the keyboard to type a response but you've got nothing to say. Don't try to force it. It'll only call more attention to your loss.

9. Talk too much trash and you're an asshole. Talk to little trash and you're a pussy. It always comes down to quality over quantity. A well timed zinger can knock someone down to size in one sentence. Never shut up and your trash talk quickly becomes white noise.

10. There's no crying in trash talking. But seriously.. don't take it seriously.